Now I’m Sixty-four

Well, I have been reflecting about being 64 today. I have been ranging back over birthdays past. I have been amazed at how different my life really is now from when I fleeting pondered this age in my twenties and thirties.

I would never have imagined I’d that two husbands would have divorced me. It was inconceivable that I would be living in a country different from that of my birth. To be a vegan was certainly a completely alien notion, even in my California days, although for eight years I was a vegetarian there. None of the assumptions I made about my future in those years is what I am currently living. Those assumptions were much, much narrower and more parochial.

Certainly, in my twenties I never imagined I’d have gone to university (late thirties into my forties) let alone do as well as I did, which was astonishingly well considering my background. In my thirties, I did not entertain the thought that once I plotted a path of vocation that it would not manifest, let alone that I would completely alter my spiritual path and embrace a pagan one.

One thing I take away from these ruminations is that life can never be planned out for a straight from A to Z journey. At least, in my opinion would, to do so would seriously compromise the opportunity for growth and learning. It would hinder the possibility that chance can throw up amazing options and opportunities. It would deny the gift of serendipity and the wonders of risk taking, to whatever extent risk is comfortable.

I rejoice and give thanks that today I have been granted the privilege to be alive, that I am in good health as far as I know, and living in a place that sings to my soul and dances with my spirit. I celebrate having an amazing partner who wants to create with me a Golden Autumn to share together and engage the Mysteries of the Winter of our current passage.

 

 

The Dragon

Today is the day I grieve for the Dragon.

I do not honour the slayer saint, patron of the land I love, for the Dragon here, like the Snake in one of my ancestral lands signify other realities. Yes, dangerous but are we not untamed as well.

For these may indeed pose a threat to the powers of state and church, but they are the realities which sing in my woman-soul and nurture me at levels deep and broad.

This is the day I remember the wild energy of women dead and gone, those live and present, and ponder on those not yet amongst us.

It is a day I hold close the transformative Mother energy of Earth, the raw and raging dynamism of the planet which is so close under foot and seem seldom enough that we try to convince ourselves that our world is a calm and tranquil place.

Today is the day I celebrate the Dragon.

For the Dragon energy lives near us always and no saint could extinguish this potent force resident within our souls.

Let her free to roar again today.

Let her roar to call us to action to protect the land, the trees, the rocks, the rivers.

Let the roaring turn grief into deeds.

Let the roaring turn loss into renewal and regeneration.

Let the roaring turn pain into the hymn of our wild selves singing with the wild Earth, affirming we will be tame and tamed no more.

Let her free to roam again today.

The Hippo Moment

Step by step
moving the surface interface
from air to water,
sliding into an alien
yet not unfamiliar medium,
warm surrounding water
strangely supporting the body

Buoyancy,
from long ago
a feeling recalled,
the facility for deeply held
memory kicking in,
before birth
this sensation recognised
again as known
when eons before
the only place.

Memory,
of fear and thrashing,
not a distant life
but this one
bathed in anxiety
fretting afraid to leave
the security of the side
for deeper waters.

Encouragement,
reassurance
in holding onto the confidence
of another for whom
the medium of terror for me
is one of pleasure and freedom,
slowly learning to trust
the presence and the voice
that it can be done,
head under the surface,
glide, kick, stroke, breathe
head under
blow bubbles
reach and turn to the side
breathe,
suddenly it seems
swimming.

Now comes enjoyment
relaxation and achievement,
otter companions unseen
enter the pool causing
mischief chitting encouragement
showing how easy
it is to be in water,
laughter at slow success.

Lesson done,
high fives and weariness,
for it is well into evening,
sliding into the night,
time to go,
time to change the mediating
medium of being once more,
taking the steps,
almost weightlessness
alters in the moments
step by step
trading selkie skin
for the human one,
another transformation
there is the time between
being water borne
and once more air held
a sudden awkwardness
when gravity is once more
felt with every bone and muscle
weightedness returns.

Ah, the hippo moment.

I dedicate this poem to my amazing swimming instructor Kelly Deakin. The invisible otters and ‘The Hippo Moment’ as I called it made us laugh. A big thank you!

The Unexpected Prospect

This offering is a bit different. It is a story, a tale that I have been pondering and working with for quite a few  years now. It is not a happy tale, but it seems apt for the days in which we find ourselves.

Amongst those who lived now on the sea hugged lands was told the tale of the Crystal Bearer. I knew rumours of such a telling; and, being a collector, I sought someone to confirm the rumour or tell the tale. I spent weeks asking and following clues. One day, walking through a remote village I saw an old fisherman, and on a hunch I asked him. He stared at me, assessing. What he looked for and what he saw I will never know. I waited. In the end it was he who told me. This was many years ago, and to this day I do not know his name, he never used it and no one knew it. When I met him he seemed as old as the sea he upon which he spent most of his life.

What is age? What is being old? What is old? That was the odd part, though I did not at the beginning think much of it: How long is a life? How long can it be, might it be? The experience of the fisherman has caused me to ponder the question more and more often as I have gotten older myself. No one remembered the fisherman not being there. No one could remember when he arrived nor remember being told of his arrival. I know because I enquired. The old fisherman simply was.

But, then I digress.

When prodded he could no longer say where he heard the tale, or would not; for the coastal dwelling folk to whom the tale belonged receded ages ago into the mists of memory and forgetting.

Looking out into the distance over the sea, closing his eyes once in a while, he told the tale this way. His voice, I can still hear, husky with salt spray and the smoke of the long-stemmed pipe clenched always between his teeth.

“They say the Crystal always chose the Bearer. So it was from before the beginning of all that was known amongst the coastal peoples who are no more, who dwell no longer on these rock-strewn shores. The Choosing did not happen often, but in the years when it did the preparations started as soon as it was obvious the next Crystal Bearer must be found.

“Those of proper age were gathered from the land’s length, but only those with an affinity for the Stones of Prospect. Once each of the Prospect Stones was acknowledged the searching ended. On the designated night the Prospects came together, the Stones told them where, and if they could not hear they were not worthy of consideration. As a group they viewed the Beach of Choosing. None were allowed on the sands, which were always patrolled and protected by the Crystal Wardens, themselves chosen from amongst those selected in previous Prospectings. For any family singular honour accrued in having one’s son or daughter recognized as a Warden. It was an honour second only to having the Crystal Bearer from among your closest kin.

“The pattern of the ritual began before anyone remembered how it came to be, and remained unaltered until the last. Only one beach, of all those girthing the land was, could be, the Beach of Choosing. No one went there except the chosen from whom the Choosing would take place. For it was the Crystal’s energy radiating from that one beach that sustained the peoples’ way of life, so they said. They believed and thus for them it was so. The Spirit of the Crystal made the land fertile and the fish run in great schools off the shores. It kept the worst storms at bay. It purified the waters for drinking. The Spirit of the Crystal beckoned souls to new bodies and bid the old to move on making room for the next generation.

The Crystal Bearer was the one who guarded the way of the Crystal’s path amongst the peoples and for them. The Bearer, in wearing the crystal, wielded the power of the Crystal’s Spirit for the good of all. Only the Crystal could choose its Bearer. Only the Crystal knew the one with whom it could work, through whom it could communicate. When the light went from the Crystal its Bearer died. When the fading of both Crystal and Bearer was complete, then the process of Bearing began anew with a new Crystal and another Bearer.

The Beach of Choosing was littered with the empty and silent crystals from previous Bearers, all faded; and, with crystals that never bore the sustaining spirit. There was always one vital flawless Crystal, however, which washed up on the beach at the time of need and that was the one to be found. Always it was found, there had never been a failure of Choosing in the long memory of the peoples.”

“What did it take to be a Bearer?” I could not resist asking.

The fisherman answered, ”The question was often asked and none could answer with certainty, for the times dictated the qualities of both the Crystal and its Bearer. Size was never the determining factor in the selection. Some of the most influential Bearers worked with very tiny crystals. The power was always and only a matter of communication and communion between the Crystal and the one it chose to bear it amongst the peoples.

“So Choosing was then once more about to be fulfilled. The eighty-second Bearer had to be chosen soon. A plague threatened the people and only the Crystal could save them. The last Crystal began to fade. It had been noted that the Crystals faded and Bearers died much more quickly. It was a matter of concern, but no one spoke of it. The silence issued from the uncertainty of the Crystal Wardens who did not know what to say. Who did not know whether it was a weakening of the Crystals or a weakness growing in the peoples manifesting in the Bearers. In the end it did not matter.

“As soon as the Wardens noted the weakening of the Bearer, and she was not very old, the search for the Prospects began in secret. Watchers were dispatched to keep an eye on those who often walked the beaches and how they gathered the treasures there, the ones left and available for everyone. A list was made and hidden. When the eighty-first Bearer died suddenly, for all her gradually deteriorating state, the Prospect Stones were cast on the beaches where the likeliest would find them. It was hoped the strongest as well.

“On the designated night in accordance with the ritual the Prospects, having been tested on their own beaches with the Prospect Stones, were gathered. They moved onto the vast Beach of Choosing at low tide led by the Wardens. The Prospects could range in age from sixteen years to fifty, for none younger or older than that had ever found a Prospect Stone. At this Prospecting those on the Beach were from sixteen to twenty-seven, that was because the previous Bearer had been so young herself when she died.

“Everything moved as it always had. Representatives of the peoples gathered as the Observers on the low hills bounding the beach. They stood at a respectful distance and in silence. No one anticipated anything out of the ordinary. Nothing extraordinary ever happened at a Choosing. As a consequence, no one was prepared when a small boy, no more than four, who managed to wiggle his way from the back of the crowd, moved onto the Beach of Choosing.

“When the Wardens were apprised, only after word passed in whispers from person to person through the assemblage, it was too late. Besides, the boy moved with reverence and deliberation. Unlike the Prospects who stumbled about the beach aimlessly, he went to a particular part of the beach. He alone walked barefoot over the sands littered with spent and useless crystals.

“It was nearly dawn. The Crystal remained unfound. The Observers were getting restless. Uncertainty moved among them like a cool breeze on a hot day. Still, they remained silent.

“Themselves anxious, the Wardens moved onto the Beach of Choosing just before the sun rose. They gathered the weary and dejected Prospects together to lead them off the beach. Nothing like it had ever happened before. The fear of the Wardens and the Observers was growing like a living thing, a menace lurking and filling the space with foreboding. Everything felt different. Something rustled in the air. Change and alternation were palpable. Nothing would be as it had been. These were peoples unused to change. They resisted any alternation in the ways of tradition no matter how insignificant. Silence wreathed the whole area. The only sound was the gentle lapping of the returning tide. There were no gulls crying for they never came near the Beach of Choosing.

“Then it arose, a small wavering cry. The cry was not one he could ever have heard since he was too young. The cry flew to the ears of the Wardens, then the Prospects and lastly to the assembled Observers. ‘The Crystal found me. The Crystal claims me.’

“The Wardens stopped the procession of Prospects and those closest to the boy made their way to him. He sat at the edge of the water oblivious to the rising tide. The Wardens carried him back. He did not seem to notice, for all his attention was turned to the Crystal.

“No one knew his name. No one recognized him. No one could claim him. He seemed to have arrived from nowhere, but it did not matter. The Crystal claimed him, had chosen him. He and the Crystal were one. A single voice, a single mind.

“As young as he was he worked tirelessly with the Crystal. Day and night they strove together. For a time it seemed youth and courage were and would be enough. There were years when the peoples prospered. There was health and abundance. The people ceased to be vigilant. They took for granted the reprieve and the plenty. And, just as suddenly, after the boy had grown to manhood it all changed, again.

“In the end no amount of effort was not enough to save the peoples. The plague came. The land ceased to produce. The fish ceased running in great schools. The storms rose in anger from the depths of the sea. The waters turned foul. The peoples weakened. They wanted to find a new Bearer, but he and the Crystal remained strong. The peoples grew ever more resentful. They could deal with the weakening of the Crystal and its Bearer, but not themselves. Never in memory or telling could a similar circumstance be brought to mind. In half a generation the peoples vanished from the rock strewn shores.”

The old fisherman was looking at me when he finished. When I looked back at him he turned his eyes wearily towards the sea once more. “There are no longer Crystal Bearers, and no one for whom to bear the Crystal. No one to maintain the land, to run the fish, to keep the storms at bay, to cleanse the water or to bid the old move on. No one old to move on.” His voice trailed off like the fog now rolling along the edge of the sand.

“What happened to the Bearer? What happened to the Crystal?” I asked in a whisper that faded into the moaning wind and lapping waves.

For a long time the fisherman looked out to sea and then lowered his head even longer, waiting, deciding. When he looked up his eyes were red and watery. He reached under his shirt, drew out a tattered pouch and emptied its contents into his wrinkled, calloused hand.

He said no word.

© Aurora J Stone 2017

Haiku on a Stormy Day

Unable to flee
Trees bend in thrashing storm wind
Roots reach deep hold firm.

Birds wheeling sideways
Wind rushed wings onward fly
Difficult to land.

Pollarded treescape
Land floats on hidden waters
Somerset Levels.

Catkins dance waving
Pollen spreading far and wide
New generations.

Sun peaking from clouds
Clouds pushed on wind swiftly
Calm soon returning.

Wind unrelenting
Atmospheric songs wail
Silence forgotten.

Howling wind keening
Mournful song marking the day
Waiting for relief.

Vestal Crones

From hearth to heart: A paradigm for action.

We are familiar with the story of Vesta and the virgins who tended her sacred fire. Some are familiar with St Brigit’s nuns who tended a flame in her honour that has been rekindled. It is from this image, of the enclosed fire tender, that I move from here.

Now is not the time for us to tend only the fires of our hearths, when we get past the years of youth and direct familial responsibilities. There is a time when we reach a certain age, when the Cailleach comes calling, whether we like it or not. As I have been leaning to move with her, my work with Brighid, but not as a hearth goddess, has begun in earnest.

Although Brighid has been around me for some time, I have a different relationship with her now. A deepening relationship with she of the forge and healer and poet, whose fire burns in me in the dark shadow of the Cailleach.

It is time for action for us to wave the fire brands of our pens and torches of courage to light the hidden corners of distress and fear in our world for healing to begin. To bring the heat of passion against injustice and for equity, for true equality is not possible because we are not the same. We do not have the same gifts and graces and one cannot legislate for them. What can be legislated is equity and equitability. These are what we must fan the flames for to save our world.

These are days for action: Political, social, creative, economic, ecological, environmental, spiritual, personal, national and international.

We must light and tend the fire that heats the cauldron of our passion. Passion in its broadest possible understanding. For this deep and expansive passion leads to action on large or small scale. The fire the heats the forge on which our resolve is formed and shaped.

The following thoughts were written as I tended a physical fire in my hearth several weeks ago, and in them articulate how I perceive this role as a starting place. I use the image of fire lighting, tending, igniting as a metaphor. In no way am I advocating a brigade of blue rinsed pyromaniacs storming around the country burning buildings of power or incinerating objects of distaste. I do not want to hear of my sisters running riot with zimmer frames being arraigned for arson. Yes, we must light a fire in our soul, in our heart, in our belly and head, but it must lead us to considered, if radical action, but the fire remains within us. We use it to speak out, to write out, to walk out, and thus challenge the status quo. I am not advocating anarchy. I am calling for considered action, honest communication and a resolve as strong as steel set to flame, forged and quenched.

We will each of us carry not a flint, but a living ember in our heart, one we can fan into the flame of action when necessary at a moment’s notice, for we may have only a moment in which to act.

At times we many burn white hot for a time, but then the flame goes weak, we have spent our fuel and need to recover our sense of self, so we are not destroyed by selflessness. So we smoor the fire within us. We seek that which will nurture and nourish us, gather kindling and find the logs we will need in the time ahead. The ember, however, will be kept warm and pulsing as long as we live and breathe. But there are times when it need not flare and flame. Sometimes it is fine to let it die back, but it will never go out, once you take the steps to walk and live the path of the Vestal Crone.

Fire is dangerous and compelling. Beautiful and terrifying.
Fire enables life as we know it and takes it as well.

It is not something to be careless with. We must understand the medium with which we work, whether it be literal or figurative.

There are sparks and spitting fuels. There are comforting fires and ones that are restless. They are unpredictable and cannot be tamed, only managed with care. So it is with the fires we are going to light in our hearts and souls.

One cannot begin and then stop, the fire must be tended regularly. Meditation, visualisation and of course action which is at the core of this paradigm.

Kindling, logs, coal, open fire, campfire, wood burner . . . all are ways to see the work, some more or less constrained. A wildfire is deadly, and extreme. I am not advocating stating wildfires.

I will be exploring this image, pondering ideas further, but I think it time to set out this vision, my vision for being as one touched by Cailleach, and holding the fire of Brighid within me.

© Aurora J Stone 2017

Wood into Stone

In the hand
cool to the touch,
a side polished to a high sheen,
a side smooth and dull,
bark in textured edges
still present in mineral form.

From the land of lemurs,
red ruffed,
ring tailed,
black and white,
the aye-aye and sifarkas,
too long ago to comprehend
this tree may have known
the swinging and resting
of these creatures
on branches hung with
tangles of vine,
perhaps.

Fossilised tree,
wood into stone
transubstantiated,
a different mode of being,
a different form of existing,
a different sort of appearing,
no longer a branch
wherein the fluid would rise
awakened from the ground beneath,
called up into the canopy.

Stone from wood,
mineral emerged from zylum and phloeum,
patterned rings blurred in alteration
from one material to the other,
longevity a challenge to decipher,
but its beauty not dependent
on its age in life or from death,
wondering how it died,
what disaster felled or befell it
to bring it from tall standing
to resting on its side.

The story of its existing and its perishing,
may reveal itself in time
through meditation or contemplation,
journeying in thought and imagination,
until the breeze can be felt,
again perhaps,
in its twigs and branches,
the creatures of the day or night
swaying or climbing,
hiding or feeding
on its fruit or foliage,
may any revelations be the way
to reach beyond the present material
to touch by mind or heart
a time before humankind
came into the Madagascan forests
leaving trails of ruination and destruction.